I quit drinking straight tequila around 1997. One night in college after my hosting shift at Outback Steakhouse, a bunch of us went to a bar nearby. It had both pool tables and go-karts. I partook in neither. But I did unfortunately partake in tequila. Shots, many of them. The last thing I remember is my roommate finding me in the bathroom trying to call someone from the paper towel dispenser. I threw up the whole next day and never drank tequila again.
There’s a country song from the early ‘90s (my preferred era of country music) called “Straight Tequila Night” by John Anderson. If Anderson’s name doesn’t ring any bells, you may know him by his 1982 song “Swingin,” which was a certifiable banger to six-year-old me.
“Straight Tequila Night” is a classic heartbreak song. The woman has been done dirty by a man, but she’s getting over it. She’s on her healing journey. As long as she’s not thinking about it, she’s fine. But don’t come up to her after a bunch of tequila shots and ask her how she’s doing.
The music video opens with a woman in an upscale wine bar. This wine bar has a jukebox, because it’s a country music video in 1991. As noted in the song, she’s only sipping white wine. She plays her favorite song on the jukebox (K13) and blows the jukebox a kiss. She seems to be having a good time.
As the chorus ramps up, the scene changes and she’s at what I can only assume is a roadside honky tonk. There’s wood paneling and a large Route 66 sign. She is, as you may have guessed, no longer sipping white wine. Our heroine is standing outside, running her hands through her hair, shouting at whichever imbecile asked her a question ABOUT HIM on a night she’s drinking straight tequila.
We cut to a scene of her in a large tub with no discernible plumbing, soaking in a bubble bath and sipping white wine. She’s calm and collected. She has exorcised the straight tequila demons. Oh, wait. Now we’re back to the honky tonk and bad news, it’s raining. She is … not doing well. She’s dripping wet, pacing and fighting someone who’s not there.
In an interesting twist, the camera cuts back to her bathroom, zooms out and John Anderson’s full band is in her bathroom performing this song. Bold choice. Wait, they’re in the wine bar again. Nope, back to the honky tonk.
The video ends with a closeup of her dancing in the wine bar with a smile on her face and a glass of chablis in her hand.
When I’m listening to my ‘90s country playlist (yes, I have one), I often wonder what it would be like to update the lyrics to be more gender inclusive, more in line with modern feminism, etc. One day I was driving and “Straight Tequila Night” came on and I started thinking of a list of things I WOULD ask her.
Have you written the story of your life?
How often do you commune with nature?
Do you talk back to the owls?
Do you live outside the confines of traditional beauty standards?
Are you taking care of your joints?
Have you found a way to sleep through the night?
Are you feeding your mind?
How many hours a week are you watching the orb spider?
Have you learned all of the birds in your yard?
How many men did you scold this week for having their dog off leash in the park?
Are you stretching enough?
Have you thrown away all of your jeans yet?
How many books on feminist theory are you sending your nieces and godchildren?
Do you still dance?
I took my question to Instagram and asked my friends what they would ask her. Here’s what they said.
Is she finally ready to be a lesbian?
What percentage of your salary do you contribute to your 401K?
Why do holiday Oreos taste better than regular Oreos?
What are your true thoughts on the patriarchy?
Do you want to switch to shrooms?
Are you hydrating too, sis?
What are your thoughts on Keith Whitley?
Feel free to leave your question in the comments. And now that we all have cell phones, please text me before you end up outside a honky tonk, shadowboxing in the rain in a tequila-fueled (justifiable!) rage.
DEAD!! Please submit this!